http://jamaicaobserver.com/lifestyle/html/20070728T080000-0500_125710_OBS_WHY_WOMEN_DO_IT_.asp

Why women do it Daddy Oh

Tony Robinson Sunday, July 29, 2007

 Ay me,
How weak a thing,
The heart of woman is.
- Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

Let’s face it, women are basically strong, they have to manage households, bring up children when there is no father around, and even when the father is living in the house, it’s often the woman who still has to run things. They know how to make a dollar stretch, how to feed, clothe and send kids to school on a strict budget.

They can work and school themselves at the same time and can multitask better than any man. After all this, they can still manage to please their men upon demand. Basically they have more common sense than men, and if you ask more husbands, they’ll tell you that it’s the wives who really make the major decisions. “Man, my wife has an instinct for people and things and can always tell when something is good or bad, when I don’t even see it.”

Yet with all this, women still have a chink in their armour, a flaw in their diamond, a breach in their dyke, an Achilles heel that is more than often their emotionally fatal weakness, their weak heart, as Shakespeare said above. No matter how bright, intelligent and educated a woman is, somehow her heart always manages to let her down, prompting people to ask, “Why would she do that, why would a woman of her stature do something as silly as that?” Well, it’s been a question of the ages, why women defy what we consider as logic and do seemingly strange things, at times bordering on incredible.

I say seemingly, for to them it makes perfect sense, and no argument or pretty persuasion is going to make them change. We see it all the time, and usually it’s in regard to some man. Ah yes, men, the bane of every woman’s existence, the object of their desire, yet also the source of their pain and grief. Man, that elusive being that women profess to ‘can’t stand,’ but still jump at their beck and call, often asking ‘how high’ when told to take that leap. It’s the only thing in the world that turns smart women foolish, and the only way some women escape their clutches is to stay away from men altogether. “Me done with all man, I don’t want another man in my life, all they do is cause crosses and hurt up me heart.”

- The Sunday Observer  

Decoding the female psyche

 Although lately I have been trying to understand men, with little success, having read the article in the observer quoted above I thought I might take a stab at explaining a deeply mystifying phenomenon, a cryptogram that has stumped even the brightest of minds- the female heart. Mr. Robinson cites examples of women of above average intelligence falling slave to their hearts who end up doing some things for their men that are incomprehensible by even a man looking in. I too can cite numerous examples where friends and acquaintances- of above intelligence some even bordering on genius- do things that follow no form of logic and all I can say is why? What do you see in this guy that you can’t find in another? To quote a poem by one of my sistren’s: 

To Sir with Love 

Dear Sir,My brain runs
Circles around my heart,
caught
By my thoughts
They pull me back.You smile.
Your eyes dance
Like tribal priests
In sacrifice
Of your latest victim.

Maybe Aphrodite accepts,
Her twinkling laugh
Mocks my defense,
My wall,
crumbles. My brain
sends its regards
Tired,
It vacations
Till reason returnsWith love,
Your captive-Krista Henry 

Why we do it? 

Upon deciding to try my hand at a response to Mr. Robinson’s question, I had hoped to think up an answer for why women do it. I am no psychologist; neither do I have any neat scientific explanations for female behaviour. Were I a scientist it would have been easier I think. It’s like I am trying to explain cosmic events such as falling stars with no knowledge of astronomy or at least physics. My response will therefore be limited to the little I have read, as well as my personal experience. The answer is simple: we follow our hearts. This leads to a bigger question- why do we follow our hearts when logic and reason suggest otherwise?  

1. Instant Gratification 

Well being the coward I am (or the smart one, half full right?) I have never done anything extraordinary for a man, but I have made my fair share of mistakes most times knowing that what I’m doing is wrong or will not be fruitful but I do it anyway. To me, doing silly things yields some amount of gratification at the time, which is in no way commensurate with the pain that is to follow. This is one of my theories, that we sometimes do silly things simply because it feels good.  

2. Our Nurturing Nature 

As child bearers, heads of households, women tend to bear a lot of emotional burden. Women have an innate tendency to be more nurturing than men. Scientists attribute this “nurturing nature” to the greater levels of the hormone oxytocin that women produce. Some women transfer their nurturing nature to their relationships so there’s constant talk of “taking care of my man”. Although I cannot exactly blame silly behaviour on oxytocin, it is at least responsible for our “mushiness” and emotional vulnerability. After all, there must be something that the guy is doing or at least saying right that causes the woman to fall captive to her heart. 

 3. Nurture 

At the root of the debate among social scientists is whether nurture or nature is responsible for human behaviour. It is therefore natural that I consider the impact of nurture on the woman’s blind obedience to her emotions. I will provide two examples. I have an honour roll friend who was in a relationship where the fellow had very little regard for her, publicly disrespected her etc. but this guy was waited on hand and foot. I mean what the hell? Are you stupid? I literally asked her. I begged her to stop- she applied a little brake. In trying to understand it I eventually got to the relationship between her parents and I realize it was a similar situation. It was eventually revealed that, and I saw this with my own eyes, her father was also the undeserving type who was also waited on hand and foot by her mother. So it’s a cycle I see. Psychologists say women choose men who are like their fathers; there is some amount of truth in it. (I guess psychologists are worth their money after all. But what about the fatherless like me? I guess that explains my forever single status.) 

So the woman’s childhood significantly impacts how she relates to her man. There is however another situation in which I believe nurture is the culprit. Other agents of socialization have a hand in it. Throughout high school a friend of mine – smart, beautiful, personable- literally lived on romance novels and “sappy” movies, everyday dreaming up her love life. Fast forward a few years and a few boyfriends later she thinks she has found her perfect mate, one who gives her the “thunderbolt”, a concept introduced by Mario Puzo in “The Godfather” where Michael Corleone was almost literally hit by a thunderbolt when he met his future wife. So now she lives her life like a novel, treating her man as an incarnated Norah Roberts character. I don’t think I need to mention that this treatment is almost never reciprocated (what’s the title of this piece again?) However she is thoroughly convinced that he is the air she needs to survive so it continues and once again an onlooker will be dumbfounded: why does she do it?   

4. Last Straw 

This is my final theory; there is no name for it really. Here is a general description. The woman is in this less than ideal relationship; however she really loves the guy. Maybe this will go on for months or years but then what is almost certain is that there is going to be that last straw- something simple like he looks on another woman – and she snaps and it’s over. Women I think have an unnatural ability to work at a relationship, that “stick-it-to-it-iveness” all the time hoping for better. Some eventually learn, and can only learn on their own, that it’s just not worth it. My only wish is that this was sooner rather than later.   

Agent Smith:
Why, Mr. Anderson?
Why, why?
Why do you do it?
Why get up?
Why keep fighting?
Do you believe you’re fighting for something?
For more that your survival?
Can you tell me what it is?!
Do you even know?!
Is it freedom? Or truth?
Perhaps peace?
Could it be for love?
Illusions, Mr. Anderson.
Vagaries of perception.
The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose.
And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love.
You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson.
You must know it by now.
You can’t win.
It’s pointless to keep fighting.
Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, why?! Why do you persist?

Neo:
Because I choose to. – The Matrix   

Men are incapable of love – me 

It has long been a theory of mine that men are incapable of love. Despite the fact that I believe that they write the best love songs and verses I found it impossible to believe that men can love. I simply looked on their “nice” gestures, sweet words as means to an end. After all what really is the point? So it’s a neat, convenient conclusion that men are selfish creatures who will do almost anything to get what they want. They have to be; how can they do the things they do if they really loved? I mean, what is it that makes a man suddenly walk out on 12 years of marriage? Why is it that their first “heartbreak” is usually their last? How is it that they can be in a relationship for years or go through several relationships without giving their heart? How can they knowingly deceive a woman almost unapologetically?  (One can even get into the evils they inflict on humanity but I won’t go there).  But maybe they are not incapable of love after all. The answer lies in the original question – they’re not slaves to their hearts, they don’t think like us, they don’t love like us. So there- I’ve debunked my own theory by asking one question. It is not that men can’t love; they just can’t love like a woman can. I hope I got it right this time. So I’m onto this new theory that if we act like a guy, we’ll save ourselves a lot of heartache…we just need the balls to do it.  

Disclaimer: I know all women are not like this, I was talking about the applicable situations where the woman “jus fool fool”. I have also come across a FEW guys who prove that not all men are made of steel.